Guilt Sadness and Loss Part 3
by A changing time
Summary: Merlin has dealt with losing his father and his love Freya, but how is he meant to deal with losing his best friend, the one who kept the magic a secret, Lancelot walked through the veil and Merlin just can't seem to come to terms with it, what is he meant to do when all seems lost, how will he pick himself up? and keep the magic secret?


((**hey guys sorry its been so long since i posted, ive been meaning to but so much stuff has happened lately that i just wasn't in the mood to write, but this story has been in my for a while and ive wanted to write it for so long, to be honest i think it will be a few chapters not sure, but i always wanted to write about Lancelot's death and here it is, i hope you all enjoy it and review it please, please review. thanks all**))

Wetness exploded in his eyes, he didn't think he would have to say another goodbye so quickly; especially not to someone he loved, not again.

His father, then Freya, his heart had already broke twice, three times now his heart was already barely mended, the fact that it had even started to heal after Freya was amazing but this time, this time it would stay broken for a very long time.

Lancelot had been his best friend, not to mention the first person out of his tiny little village to find out that he had magic and to actually keep his secret with wanting nothing in return, his secret had been kept through thick and thin, the man was a great person and yet it broke his barely mended heart to see him walk into the veil, he may have saved many lives but there was still a selfish streak in the warlock that wished that the suffering could still be going on if it meant that his best friend was back.

Merlin's mind kept wandering back to how it should have been him to walk through that veil and stop death prevailing, yet he hadn't been quick enough, if he had seen what Lancelot was about to do maybe he could have stopped him, it plagued his dreams every night although what haunted him the most was not his dreams or the fact that he had disturbed himself many times thinking of what would have happened if he had stopped his friend from going through, no, what haunted him the most was the fact that everybody in the kingdom, all the knights, the king and queen, everyone seemed to go about like it had never happened, nobody wept, not one person seemed to slow down or be upset, yes the funeral had been and gone but the grief was just to much to bare for the now adult warlock, yet he couldn't show it.

He hadn't show it to Arthur all those other times that bad things had happened, not when he had lost his father or Freya, this was harder, as much as he loved Freya, he had known Lancelot for a lot longer and this was making his feel lost/dead, he felt empty inside, it was truly ruining him, he didn't put effort or spirit into things like he used to, his wise crack jokes seemed to be weaning as well, they weren't like they used to be, not like the king even noticed.

It was chores this, picnic that, polish this food that. Guinevere seemed to be looking though, her eyes had not failed to notice but she didn't say anything, whenever things happened to the warlock the queen would always remain quiet, she would help if he needed it but not now.

It had been a month since the knight had walked through the veil and had set Merlin on a collision course with misery. The warlock was not doing well, every night he would have bad dreams and every morning he'd wake up and touch the red petal flower that he had magiced on his windowsill to remind him of his precious Freya.

His day after that would be pretty much the same, chase after Arthur and do his biddings then going back to his chambers to see Gaius and doing things for him then it would be dinner then bed. It was like he was a walking zombie, the light as the dragon had said was leaving his eyes, and the dragon in the past month had only seen him once, in the words of the dragon.

"It breaks such an old soul's heart to see a newly cast soul breaking in a way that was meant for an old one"

Those words should have made a dint in Merlin's mind but they merely scratched the surface, nothing seemed to penetrate him anymore, it should have saddened him those words, maybe even scared him but they did nothing.

Not even the words of Gaius seemed to help, the old man seemed to save his words on the warlock, at the start when he could see that the death of the knight was really effecting the warlock, he would try and say things to make him feel better, it didn't help but now the words of the old man didn't seem to even be heard, they were falling on empty ears.

Merlin would say little to his father figure and just stroll up those few steps and be plagued with the nightmares of his best friend. He needed something to get him out of the doom and gloom, the dragon had told him that if he retreated into himself any further then his magic would soon lose itself and he wouldn't be very long away from dying, the warlock had heard it and tried to stop himself from feeling worse but the nightmares weren't helping either and nobody could help him, he was heading into a no return state and he needed help yet he couldn't ask for it, he couldn't live up to his servant boy persona of being weak and stupid.

Of course now Arthur didn't think he was stupid, he thought his stupid, kind and maybe a little clever, ok maybe that was over doing it, but Arthur thought the servant more of a friend and tried to help him yet the king was still as stupid as ever not seeing that there was anything wrong with his servant.

Merlin felt more alone then ever and his friends weren't seeing it. He needed something and fast, he couldn't keep falling, it was destroying him and his magic and his destiny was still there, Arthur may have been king and have his Queen but the threat of Morgana was still out there she was obviously just binding her time, waiting to strike, he needed to be strong, strong and ready for if she attacked, he was in no way ready at the moment, of course there being a war would mean more casualties.

Who would he lose next, Gwaine, Percival, Gwen, Arthur, his unmended heart worsened in pain with thought of that, his friends were not safe and neither was he, he needed something to pick him up, but what?


End file.
